lost in the limbo land.

Is it wrong to just be who you are!? Can your friends accept you for who you are. Whether you're those who are lost in your own world or one who is lost in yourself - dont' know what to do about your life. I think people shouldn't critize others so much. Do they think they are perfect beings? Every individual is different. If everyone is exactly the same and think exactly the same - wouldn't we then be andriods?

Some people say, may say, you shouldn't just talk and say about things, you should do something about it. If only life was so easy. If life was just about black and white. If life is just about you and whatever decisions you make doesn't affect anyone else. But in reality thats not the case right? Everything you do, you are not the only person affected.

For instance, if I chose not to work anymore be a bum. I have to move back home and rely on my retired parents. How long can they take it? They will probably be worried to their wits about whats happening to this daughter of theirs. Do i want to bring this unnecessary torture to their life considering that my sis-in-law and my brother is going thru such hard times right now. I shouldn't just be a selfish toad and think only of myself.

But sometimes I think, Its my life, don't I have the choice to decide what i want to do. Don't I have the choice to choose whether i want to be a bum or not? Sigh... I guess i Do but not only my life will be affected.

I spoke to Azee lately, of course she and I both know that I have been in this depressive mood for years now. Some people think I am not doing anything about it. I have my ups and downs. AT times, life is just okay, somtimes I go thru such bad times, I can't even take it anymore. Those are the times, I wish I am dead. I really mean it. Yes, my life may not be as bad as some other people other out there. But to me its bad enough that I feel life is not worthwhile. I know I have to get out this. But I don't know the way out.

I realized over the years, I have lost the sense of who I am. Did I once knew who I was? I sometimes can't even hear my heart... i don't know what my heart tells me anymore. Its like I am lost. I think alot of people won't understand that. They will say snap out of it. I wish it was so easy. Its tough to get people to understand who you are. They just have their preconception of what and how things should be. How a person should be. Snap out of it ifyou're in depression or sad. I can understand now why some people wnat to end their lives. Coz they feel life is just a bleaaahh.. nothing to look forward to. Lost in a limbo land that no one has helped them to pull out and they don't know how to do it on their own. I hope i won't come to that state.

I once was so different. I remembered coming home from the states filled with energy and life. What happened in the last 8 years? I have yet to find out the root cause. I dont' know if I ever will. Yas my childhood friend tells me that she see me fighting within myself everyday. She said, when you're not settled internally, it will show out externally in reality like maybe all the troubles and problems i see. She believes I should not fight within me. Do what I like.. Hear what my heart tells me. But I don't hear it.. sometimes I wonder if its just the lunacy of my mind talking. I don't know anymore. Have you ever been in that state? Have you? Can you say you can snap out it just like that? (snap of the finger?)